Today is the first day of syawal. For the past 3 days, I keep waking up early to cook for sahur and help my mother at the kitchen and household chores. For today, I just not sure why I can't wake up early although I already in the awake state.. I want to help in the kitchen but maybe because I am preoccupied with too many thoughts, my body keep resisting for me to wake up n help in the kitchen.. And I also forgot to iron my father's clothes yesterday. When my mother come into the room, she started to babbling and I go to the kitchen after finished bathing. When I go to the iron board, mom already ironing dad's clothes and started her babbling again on why I didn't iron the clothes, she will not sleep if she knows I didn't iron the clothes, and she says I didn't help her when she cooks this morning.. The only thoughts that I can think is "I am the worst daughter she ever had." "Why I have to be her daughter" " Why she has to suffer raising me"
By the way Mom, thank you for raising me with all your hard work. I could never been this big if it wasn't because of your hard work.
I always thinking, why I am the only daughter that always annoyed her. Then I realized, I am a bit different, although I look normal. I remember when I was young, I always feel pain in my chest, and mom says Doctor didn't notice any problem in me. When I rethink, the pain only come in certain condition. Maybe because I didn't comfortable with it. (Sensory disorder??) When I grow up, I always being the pain in butt for my mom... I always the one that do the bad thing. Although I know its bad, but I still do it.. It makes me thinks that I learn consequences when I get the experience in it... The more I become wild, the condition become worse.. Fortunately I can think straight, if not, I might become one of the cheapest woman in the world.. The obvious situation that come past my mind is, I having problem to cook in the kitchen if my siblings gathering in the kitchen. I really hate it if people interfere with my job. I really hate it. And I also hate it if my mom using my name to save her name... All this while, I have been a pak turut, but mom never say thank you to me.. But when I didn't become pak turut anymore, mom quickly says harsh things to me... Thank you mom.. You are the best.
What should I do to be a better woman? I don't even know what is it. I don't even know how to be a good daughter.. Because every time I tried, mom never notice my hard work, and in the end I will receive the strong critism and teary eyes... My life has never been this worst as today I decide on not coming back home ever.. I will be a workaholic woman without thinking about my homesick, just thinking about repaying my debt to family... Thanks Allah I still alive and healthy to do that... Hope that I will never forget those things..
I promise to myself, I will never come back home for raya ever after I move out from this house... Never!!!! If I come back just to make my mom suffer, I better raya alone...
Sincerely,
Mom's autism daughter
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