The worst raya ever

Today is the first day of syawal. For the past 3 days, I keep waking up early to cook for sahur and help my mother at the kitchen and household chores. For today, I just not sure why I can't wake up early although I already in the awake state.. I want to help in the kitchen but maybe because I am preoccupied with too many thoughts, my body keep resisting for me to wake up n help in the kitchen.. And I also forgot to iron my father's clothes yesterday. When my mother come into the room, she started to babbling and I go to the kitchen after finished bathing. When I go to the iron board, mom already ironing dad's clothes and started her babbling again on why I didn't iron the clothes, she will not sleep if she knows I didn't iron the clothes, and she says I didn't help her when she cooks this morning.. The only thoughts that I can think is "I am the worst daughter she ever had." "Why I have to be her daughter" " Why she has to suffer raising me"
By the way Mom, thank you for raising me with all your hard work. I could never been this big if it wasn't because of your hard work.

I always thinking, why I am the only daughter that always annoyed her. Then I realized, I am a bit different, although I look normal. I remember when I was young, I always feel pain in my chest, and mom says Doctor didn't notice any problem in me. When I rethink, the pain only come in certain condition. Maybe because I didn't comfortable with it. (Sensory disorder??) When I grow up, I always being the pain in butt for my mom... I always the one that do the bad thing. Although I know its bad, but I still do it.. It makes me thinks that I learn consequences when I get the experience in it... The more I become wild, the condition become worse.. Fortunately I can think straight, if not, I might become one of the cheapest woman in the world.. The obvious situation that come past my mind is, I having problem to cook in the kitchen if my siblings gathering in the kitchen. I really hate it if people interfere with my job. I really hate it.   And I also hate it if my mom using my name to save her name... All this while, I have been a pak turut, but mom never say thank you to me.. But when I didn't become pak turut anymore, mom quickly says harsh things to me... Thank you mom.. You are the best.

What should I do to be a better woman? I don't even know what is it. I don't even know how to be a good daughter.. Because every time I tried, mom never notice my hard work, and in the end I will receive the strong critism and teary eyes... My life has never been this worst as today I decide on not coming back home ever.. I will be a workaholic woman without thinking about my homesick, just thinking about repaying my debt to family... Thanks Allah I still alive and healthy to do that... Hope that I will never forget those things..

I promise to myself, I will never come back home for raya ever after I move out from this house... Never!!!! If I come back just to make my mom suffer, I better raya alone...

Sincerely,
Mom's autism daughter

shame of myself

Dear Diary, I was hurt badly yesterday because I cant even divide my time properly. Am I too slow in doing work??? I am so sad not becaus I'm slow but because I was being punished due to my slowness. I dont even want to remember the scene but obviously I will not be able to forget that moment. that moment when I was being punished by mom and the sentences she utter that "today I am very ashamed!!! i am the one doing the tart while this is not even mine. I am very ashaned today. I am ashamed of you!!!!" so, that is the sentence.. Well, by other means it is mean I am ashame to have you as my daughter... thank you for telling me that and sorry for even bothering your life. I promised after I go out from this house, I will never going back whatever happen. I will supply you lots of money so you wont even worrying about money. I will always call you n say that I'm fine so you will never worrying me.. NEVER!.. I am so sad because I only have you right now. My source of laugh and happiness.. However, I am satisfied because Allah still granted me time and health for me to be with you although it doesnt really gives good impact on you. I love you mom forever but dont angry if Im not coming hme. Im doing this beacause I love you and I dont want to hurt you more. Before I success in my dream, I will never show my stupid face eveer.... crying.....

Blame urself

Money is really important. Although there are a lot of people say money is just duniawi, today I realized without money u're just nobody.. It is not only nobody, it is no value... I still remember when I have big amount ofmoney, my mother never talk harsh with me.. When I have no money, she always pointed my mistake... And I also realize the treat she gave to all her children are different.. Although her child is delinquent but have money, she will listen to that child.. Compare to the child that is quiet but have no money, she just won't hear anything.. She told me once, what is my problem, I have to tell her so that she knows.. The moment I tell her, the only thing she does is just pointing my mistake... I only need a good listener... Its ok to point my mistake, but please tell me earnestly, not egoistly... I know that I must be the worst daughter in the world.. Every time I told myself that I have to listen n forgive whatever mom done to me to avoid the same thing hit me in future.. But whenever I try to be positive, my mom always come in the way.. Now, the most thing I have is revenge.. I really hate myself now.. But I really hope that this failure point, will become turning point for me to success..

driving-father daughter issue

21/05 9.24 pm I was driving without my driving licence.. I forgot my license expired already... For that, I just want to check my ring size for my engagement ring.. So, it was late, 6.30 pm but because I already promised dear fiancee, so I rushed to the city and find jewelry shop.. Mom n dad call several times cause it almost dark... Dad only call once n mom call several times after that with dad phone.. Later I realised, when that thing happens, it usually end with dad's temperament n he won't talk to you for long.. Well, n when I come back home, I realize he wasn't there.. So, I know he is angry with me... Yeah, I know.. I'm the black sheep of the family.. The bad one.. The worst one.. When dad came home, he says to me that anything happens, I will make him getting into difficult situation.. Honestly, I never imagine that word could come from his mouth.. So, I decided after my fiance party, I want to do something, n I have to strive at it.. Whatever happens, nobody can tear me down... I'm skyscraper.. Before I weds, I must have 50k in my saving... I promised to myself from now on... I don't want to be a burden to this family anymore.... And I don't want to be the nice daughter who came home every weekend just to hear, "you are suck, u're just a burden to me..." I'm getting enough of that...

Saman Kereta

Uwargh!!! 4 Ramadhan.. Hari ni kena marah lagi sebab tak bayar saman Atoz.. Actually, bukan kena marah pun, tp sbb aku ni sensitif sangat, ak anggap macam kena marah la tu... ayah siap ckp lg ak ni peminat saman tol.. mana taknya, semua keta ak pakai, sume kena saman.... start ngan kancil, atoz n alza... fuyooo.... alza pun kena saman... x senonoh tol aku ni... total saman tu ak rasa ad mencecah RM1,500 ++... Hutang lagi.. ntah berapa banyak dah ak hutang ngan family aku... plus ngan tukar minyak hitam kancil ngan kenari.. belum lagi repair atoz.. sume tu total RM1,500 ++ jugak ar... Aku ni dah la x reti nak kerja... Ya Allah, tolonglah hambamu ini... Tertekan duduk kt umah.. Kalau ak kerja kt swata tu, nti xde sape nk tgk-tgkkan adek ak... Ya Allah, berilah petunuk dan hidayah kepada aku.... Tolonglah...... Aku yang sentiasa rasa serba salah.... Sweet Love Tranquility....

Ramadhan menjelma lagi

August 01, 2011/1 Ramadhan 1432 H


1 Ramadhan menjelma lagi. Alhamdulillah, ramadhan kali ni rasa lebih tenang. Mungkin kerana aku telah berazam untuk menjalani ibadah puasa dengan penuh semangat dan tekun. Mana tidaknya, melihat kepada tragedi2 yang berlaku di hadapan mata sentiasa mengingatkan aku bahawa hidup ini tidak lama dan balasan Allah terhadap dosa2 kita juga tak tahu bila dan bagaimana. Dosa-dosa yang lepas pun kita tak tahu dah terampun belum. Jadi, janganlah berbuat dosa lagi.

Menyentuh mengenai tragedi, pagi ini dalam perjalanan pulang ke rumah selepas menghantar adik ke sekolah, aku terlihat suatu kemalangan yang berlaku diantara kereta dan motor. Bunyi berdentum yang kuat telah menarik perhatian aku untuk melihat kejadian tersebut. Alangkah sebak di dada apabila melihat kemalangan di pagi ramadhan yang melibatkan umat islam. Semoga Allah melindungi aku daripada kemalangan yang melibatkan manusia. Dulu, pernah sekali aku terlanggar motorsikal dan lelaki tersebut terpelanting. Masyaallah, mujur takde ape2 yang berlaku pada lelaki tersebut. takut jugak ak dibuatnya... Tapi, kalau diizinkan Allah, aku nak jumpa balik dengan lelaki tu utk minta maaf dan membayar gantirugi.... Moga Allah perkenankan...
salam...

Luka di tangan pun tidak diendahkan, inikan pula luka di hati..

Persahabatan itu memang mudah untuk diluahkan dengan kata-kata. "Kita kawan sampai bila-bila ye.", "Kita BFF kan", "Saya berjanji akan jadi kawan awak selama-lamanya".. Ayat-ayat yang memang biasa didengari oleh telinga kita. Namun, adakah ayat ini begitu bermakna di hati orang yang melafazkannya? Atau sekadar melafazkan di mulut sahaja?

Untuk punya insan duduk di sekekliling kita ketika senang, petik jari je. Sepuluh pasti ikut.. Tapi, ketika kita susah? Siapakah yang betul-betul akan bersama kita? Berapa ramaikah insan yang nampak luka di tangan kita dan benar2 prihatin dengan luka tersebut? Setelah berfikir-fikir balik, jawapannya pasti satu, dua orang atau ZERO! Bukanlah ingin mengatakan sahabt sejati itu adlah orang yang cuci luka di tangan, tetapi ibaratnya begitulah.. Sekurang-kurangnya, bertanya khabar tentang kita..

Kalau derita zahir pun tidak diendahkan, apatah lagi derita batin yang tak terluah.. Hanya tuhan sahaja yang tahu.. Oleh itu, berhati-hatilah dalam mencari sahabat.. Kawan memang ramai.. Berkawanlah dengan semua orang. Itu memang murni.. Tetapi, bersahabat.... Pastikan yang benar-benar memahami diri kita, atau setidak-tidaknya dapat membantu kita bukan merosakkan kita....

-peace love empathy-